The Vow (Sony)
This super-soggy romance bears all the hallmarks of a shitty Nicholas Sparks story: Paige (a bored and confused Rachel McAdams) ends up in a coma after a car accident. When she wakes, she can’t remember a thing about her life, including her doe-eyed and devoted husband Leo (Channing Tatum, dialing down his 21 Jump Street swagger). It’s up to Leo to win his wife’s heart all over again, which means another first date, another first kiss … you get the idea. Four different writers get credit for this bland love story, but not one of them is Sparks. But The Notebook scribe deserves at least an “inspired by” credit. After all, he’s the modern master of crap like this.
Chuck: The Complete Fifth and Final Season (Warner)
After almost biting the dust a couple of years ago, the geeky TV show about a reluctant spy was finally put to rest. This set includes the final 13 episodes, which tie up loose ends and settle for a kind of closure in Chuck’s spy and love life.
Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie (Magnet/Magnolia)
The small-screen cult heroes’ leap to the big screen is about as necessary as your average SNL movie … and about as funny. Forget plot, and pretty much everything else, as one gag after another is farted out. Not a total waste, but close.
Underworld: Awakening (Sony)
Kate Beckinsale returns as sexy vampire hunter Selene, who was MIA in 2009’s origins story. This one’s better, but that’s really not saying much. This time she hooks up with bloodsuckers to battle even scarier monsters: greedy human assholes.